laura packardIt’s as old as time.

         Whether you believe the earth and the humans that inhabit it were created in 6 days or in one big celestial bang (or any combo of both), one thing is certain; as soon as man stood upright the race was on to find the secret to eternal youth.

         Now, mind you, Darwin theorized that hominids became bipedal to free up their hands so they could lug all their stuff around. So it’s not too far off that the original stone tools and animal heads and such evolved over the next couple of million years to include $4 bottles of magic spring water from Fiji and $800 facial cream mixed with diamond dust.

         I don’t own any diamond dust, because I don’t have $800 dollars (more like $8) to pay for it. Not to mention, I already shell out a small fortune to get water into my house from underneath the street so I might as well drink it from the tap, but a lot people do have that kind of cash and will spend it to look and feel not a day over 18 for eternity.

            Take a look at King Arthur and his equally mythical sword, Excalibur. As legend goes, King Arthur sacrificed resources, men, fortune and sanity to find the Holy Grail, the chalice of Christ that presumed to grant ever-living life to whoever found it.  Alas, the cup has never been found but what would you do with the thing once you unearthed it? It reminds me of what the fictional King Arthur says when he tries to use the Holy Grenade in Monty Python and the Holy Grail during his quest, “How does it um… how does it work” anyways?

         Don’t even get me started on Cleopatra. This Queen of the Nile evidently bathed daily in the milk of young donkeys to remain forever young. I don’t know about you but I only take a little milk in my coffee and occasionally in a bowl with cereal in it.

         And I am not sure what the going price for donkey milk was in 50 BC, but here in the states circa 2016, a gallon of cow’s milk cost about $4. The average tub holds 35-50 gallons of water. I’m certainly no Isaac Newton but I can only conclude that would cost us mere mortals $140-$200 a day. Let’s times that by 365 and we are looking at a grand total of $51,000-$73,000 a year, and an additional $200 if there’s a February 29th in it.

         I’m not even bringing up how you’d have to clean it out really well and all. I swear I can still smell the lingering sour stench from an overturned McDonald’s McFlurry from one of my dependents coming from the back seat. This happened in 2007. Cleaning bill aside, not even Oprah could justify such indulgence, maybe a Kardashian, and their tubs surely aren’t average-sized like mine.

         Only, I am happily here to tell you, my aging friends, there is new research out there that can help us stay young, increase collagen, look like our teenage selves sans acne and it won’t cost a thing. That’s right, not one coin, penny or pound; not a single weird smelling bath poured or knight of the round table called to arms.

         It ends up – sleeping naked (who would have thought?) is one of the best ways to win at the anti-aging game.  

         Keep in mind, as my humorist hero and idol Lewis Grizzard once said, “If you’re naked, you don’t have any clothes on, but if you’re nekkid, you don’t have any clothes on but you’re up to something.” Translation: this is a family publication. Hence, we are sticking to simply . . . naked.

         But back to business. According to the hard-hitting news source, Cosmopolitan (this is where I found out which Disney prince is my soul mate; Sorry, Charlie… um Beast), sleeping naked keeps you spry and young. Mainly, it’s all about the sweat. If you are cooler when you sleep, good things happen:

         1.)    The cooler you are, the better you sleep. Sleep produces more natural collagen.The kind reproduced in an $800 jar of diamond dust cream.

         2.)    If you sleep better, you’ll even increase cortisol, so you won’t crave greasy, comfort foods like Kentucky Fried Chicken with its special spice blend. It taste good, but it’s oh so bad.

         3.)    Sleeping better also produces HGH, a natural growth hormone. This means your hair will be glossier and less greasy than that from above, which I am sorry, but is still finger licking good.

         4.)    Lastly, sleeping soundly boosts your immune system. Fighting off gross viruses and other icky stuff means you’ll end up living longer.

         So y’all are welcome. It can only be considered good news that stripping down to your birthday suit means longevity. Me, I don’t feel all that comfortable sleeping naked seeing as I still wake up in the middle of the night with someone (dog, child, overweight cat) staring at me, wanting something to eat. Looks like I will have to stick to my $8 drug store night serum, crawl into my pj’s, and sweat a little while I try and catch some z’s.

         But Godspeed to the rest of you. As another mythical, time wielding figure called Mr. Spock once said, “May you live long and prosper” in between the sheets.