On rare occasions, I am dumb enough to get into political discussions. On even rarer occasions, someone will ask me why I don’t run for office.
Generally, I laugh and say, “You wouldn’t want that,” or to quote  William Tecumseh Sherman (God, I can hear ancestors rolling over in graves all over South Carolina!): “If nominated I will not run; if elected I will not serve.”
    With that in mind, I decided to write the campaign speech I would use, should I ever be carjacked and forced at gunpoint to run for public office.
     It would go something like this: “Okay, so listen up, morons: A vote for me is a vote for change, all right.
    The fact is, I’m not really running for anything. I only do what I am called to do. If you want me to be in public service, then you are going to have to take the initiative to put me there. I don’t care enough about it to put forth any more effort than I already have. Either you want me in the trenches, or you don’t.
    But if you do, vote for me. Then get out of my sight. I don’t want to see or hear from any of you again, at least not while I’m trying to do this job.
    It’s hard enough without all that.
    You see; you can’t have it both ways. You can’t whine for something different, then whine for the same old, same old when you finally get something different. You can’t ask me to do this job for you, then expect to tell me how to do it. You may think that’s your right; I’m here to tell you, up front, that it’s not. Period. End of discussion.
    Vote for me, and you’ll get real change, all right. You’ll get someone who will make decisions quickly. You’ll get someone totally unswayed by public opinion. You’ll get someone who will have but one answer: Mine. And if you want me here, then that’s going to have to be good enough for you. I will not work any other way.
    You see, I don’t really want the job. I never wanted it. I don’t care about such nebulous concepts as “representing the will of the people.” If I have to go, I’m going to vote my conscience, not yours, and I will not toleratewhat amounts to micro-management from some trog prole who blundered into a voting booth because he happened to somehow managed to pass at least 18 years converting oxygen into carbon dioxide without offing himself in the motor vehicle that he and other educable primates are able to legally operate long enough to get to a voting booth.
    I am not the slightest bit interested in public opinion or public input. If  I am elected, don’t waste your time or your breath looking for me; I’m not available to you. My time is not yours. The way I see it, I’m here to make decisions because you obviously cannot or worse, will not. Therefore, when I make a decision, all you need to comprehend is that my decision is carefully pondered, weighed, and deliberated. There will be no further discussion. I am not concerned with your ideas of what might be fair or unfair; I am only interested in the pure logic of each situation.
I am not going to entertain you with dazzling intellectual prowess, past glories undeserved, rhyming couplets borrowed from the likes of Dr. Seuss and Jesse Jackson, or a hatful of sanctimonious indignation. I am not going to take a stand supporting your morality or lack thereof. I am not going to be even slightly interested in whether you can follow my line of reasoning or not. You cannot begin to fathom the issues I am deliberating, not even slightly. So don’t presume to waste my time with your pitifully inadequate intellect, woefully unresearched opinions, and utterly irrelevant, esoteric inquiries.
    I am not going to be too terribly interested in those piddling little snippets you believe to be important issues; they are important only to you, and only in that they momentarily negatively effect you, much like an early  bedtime negatively effects a toddler’s temper. You will pay the taxes I levy for the programs I implement and obey the laws and ordinances I pass because that’s your only useful role in any of this.
    Or as we say onstage: “We don’t take requests because we know what’s best for you.”
You think you have a problem with that? Why? You’re the one who wanted change, but didn’t feel like you needed to work toward it. You’re the one yammering about the evils of the current power squadron but have no viable alternative to what currently is. You’re the one who is sick of the same old, same old, even though you probably cannot articulate why. I’m here to give you what you ask for: Something different.  Responsibility. Logic. Reasoning. Accountability. I’m here to make the decisions, without all the silly, useless, meaningless posturing. And I don’t care whether or not you believe it’s your turn at the trough.
    I have neither time nor inclination to listen to you, or even put up with you, for that matter. But then again who really does?
    So go ’head; vote for me. I dare you.