Since the publication of my December 2024 column on grief, a number of readers have asked if I’d revisit parts of that piece that they’d found helpful. That particular column concerned holiday grief specifically, as numbers of souls seem to leave the earth during that time. Currently, I’m finding that as the years go by – and not only at holidays – more people I know, many of whom I care about, are passing away, while many more are losing those they care about. We all know that death is part of the cycle of life, but that knowledge doesn’t help much when it’s someone we love.

Years ago – when I was likely in my 30’s – I met my first nonagenerian at his 94th birthday party. This gentleman seemed in overall good health, had a great sense of humor, and conversations with him indicated he hadn’t lost a brain cell in all those years. Curious, I asked him how being in his 90s felt. He looked down and took a deep breath before his eyes met mine.

“I never thought about this until my mid-80s,” he said. “When my friends began to die. I missed them terribly. Life became lonely without them. I finally realized I’d have to make new, younger friends that hopefully, would stay vital long enough to remain friends until my own time comes.”

Author, public speaker, and death and grieving expert David Kessler assures, “The goal is not to forget a loved one or get over the loss as soon as possible, but to live a life that honors them, to embrace their memories with more love than pain. Though we must deal with the sadness, it’s easy to get stuck and suffer from loss and become unable to live life fully.”

Kessler, who has written numerous books, including two with psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, pioneer in the study of death and dying, offers resources on www.grief.com, where you can find an online grief support community and helpful workshops.

A gem of a local resource is Friends of Caroline Hospice (www.fochospice.org).

Above all, says Kessler, “Be gentle with yourself. Give yourself the time you need. Your tears are evidence of love. Pain from loss is inevitable. Suffering is optional.”

Remember, your grief is your own, however it manifests. Everyone’s grief journey looks different. Says spiritual teacher, author, and lecturer Marianne Williamson, “It takes as long as it takes” to work through grief. Find solace in whatever works for you, whether it’s self-care, the support of loved ones or a group, reading quotes and/or scripture on grief, seeking professional help, or a combination of these things.

But the big question is, what do you say to someone who’s grieving? You want to help but you don’t want to say the wrong thing. Not knowing what to say can keep us from saying anything. So we don’t contact them and then feel guilty. Fortunately, Kessler has covered this base with a couple of lists.

The 10 Best Things to Say to Someone in Grief

  1. I am so sorry for your loss.
  2. I wish I had the right words. Just know I care.
  3. I don’t know how you feel, but I’m here to help in any way I can.
  4. You and your loved one will be in my thoughts and prayers.
  5. My favorite memory of your loved one is…
  6. I am always just a phone call away.
  7. Give a hug instead of saying something.
  8. We all need help at times like this. I am here for you.
  9. I am usually up early or late, if you need anything.
  10. Saying nothing, just be with the person.

The 10 Worst Things to Say to Someone in Grief

  1. At least she lived a long life. Many people die young.
  2. He is in a better place.
  3. She brought this on herself.
  4. There is a reason for everything.
  5. Aren’t you over him yet? He’s been dead for a while now.
  6. You can have another child still.
  7. She was such a good person God wanted her to be with him.
  8. I know how you feel.
  9. She did what she came here to do and it was her time to go.
  10. Be strong.

Though I’ve heard all of these “worst things” said at one time or another, I hope the inappropriateness of all the above is obvious without discussion.

For the past 25 years, my sister has given me a subscription to a small-format magazine called Guideposts, a spiritually focused publication founded in 1945 by Ruth Stafford Peale and Norman Vincent Peale, the clergyman who wrote The Power of Positive Thinking. It’s the only monthly that I read from cover to cover. The stories are short and always touching in some respect. One written several years ago by grief counselor Kate J. Meyer dealt wisely with the above issue in these ways:

  1. When speaking with someone who’s grieving, don’t be afraid to mention the name of the deceased. Saying his/her name shows you care.
  2. Don’t judge a person’s reaction to their loss. If they choose to spend a holiday in a way that doesn’t meet their family’s expectations or that you might think unusual, support their wishes. They’re riding a rollercoaster of emotions and likely doing the best they can to care for themselves emotionally, mentally, and physically.
  3. Be patient with someone who’s grieving if they turn down your offers of help initially. Be specific as to how you might help. For instance, you might offer to cook and take them dinner or go for a walk. If they seem interested, be specific about a date. Don’t just say, “Let me know if there’s anything I can do.”

If you’d rather send a card, our own downtown shop, Lulu Burgess, has what I believe to be the best selection of sympathy cards for people and for pets (and for any other occasion as well!).

Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross has these wise words for those grieving: “The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it.”