Author: L.A. Plume

 Dear L. A. Plume, I was given the book Liver by Will Self, but never could read a book by a man called Self. Then, some doctors came to stay and must have written their comments in the flyleaf and through the text, but I only discovered it when I was about to give the book away. It seemed bad form to write in a book, doubly so when it wasn’t theirs, and triply so because I couldn’t read their writing and erudite comments; they were doctors.  Should I mail them the book?  Mr. X

Dear Readers, The concept of etiquette, like everything else, has changed since Emily Post had the good sense to tell us how to behave properly in polite society.  Texting at the table, talking on cell phones while waiting in line, talking with your mouth full of food, and ignoring service people will never, ever be acceptable etiquette. But a huge segment of the population just doesn’t care, so what can you do? Originally, etiquette was a complicated dance that defined class structure and put, and kept, people in their “proper place.”

Dear L.A.Plume, A friend of ours needs work, and I have plenty for him to do around my house. The problem is that he refuses to set a price for his time, and at the end of a job he tells me to pay him what I think it is worth. I can estimate what a professional would charge for the job but my friend takes lengthy and frequent cigarette breaks, breaks to chat, time out for lunch, etc. He also comments that other people don’t pay him adequately for his work. He is excellent at what he does but I just don’t know how/what to pay him in a way that is fair for both of us. I would appreciate any suggestions, as the friendship is important. M

Dear L.A. Plume, My friend and I went out for dinner recently and when we were seated at the table, the waiter whisked the napkins off the table, unfolded them, and presented my friend with her napkin. But he exchanged the white napkin in front of me for a black one! What was that all about? My friend was wearing beige and I was wearing black – was this a fashion-forward thing, did it have to do with he fact that I was wearing red lipstick and the restaurant didn’t want stains on the napkins? Quite frankly, my first instinct was to be a bit insulted. Confused

Dear L. A. Plume I have a habit of leaving my computer on when I go out in the evening. When I come home it is so easy to read my emails and respond, but I really shouldn’t do that after I have had a few cocktails. Any suggestions?   Jane

Dear L. A. Plume, What is the etiquette for unfortunate cell phone redial moments? The other day I was talking to a business associate and when we finished talking, he must have hit the call button by mistake. The result was that I was privy to a conversation he was having with his wife on speakerphone, which without going into detail, was something I really didn’t need to hear.  The gist of it is that now I will not be comfortable in her presence.  Should I let him know what happened? Mark

  Dear L.A.Plume, I have a friend with whom I go out for lunch; when the check comes she gives it a cursory glance, puts some money on the table and quickly dashes out saying she is late getting back to work. The problem is that she never leaves enough money for her share. It seems petty of me, but it is annoying. What can I do other than just not go out with her any more? Peg

Dear L.A. Plume: We became close friends with a couple who moved into our community about four years ago.  We did a lot of mutual entertaining.  Last spring, the husband surfaced at our house and asked for their house keys back because they were making changes to their alarm system.  The keys were never returned, and we gradually stopped hearing from them.  My wife is upset because she feels that perhaps she did something wrong. 

Dear L. A., I sent a wedding gift to the child of a dear friend; it was delivered by hand by his mother several months before the wedding, which was in September. I have yet to receive an acknowledgement. I was told by the couple that they had three months after the wedding to send their thank you notes, but that date has since past. I find this is very rude, is there anything I can/should do? Miffed

Dear L. A. Plume, We live in a small, gated neighborhood with a common pool and community center. The center is used for meetings, parties, card games, etc. Everyone is respectful of each other except for one curmudgeon who is a perpetual naysayer and purveyor of all things negative. Needless to say, he detracts from, rather than adds to, the community spirit and events to the point where we don’t even feel like attending anymore. We hate to be driven away one churlish person but it seems like he is out to spoil it for the rest of us. Do you have any helpful suggestions? XX’s