laura packardSometimes, I feel like I can never do anything right. 

            I walk into the pantry and wonder why. Why I am standing here in the dark? Did I need a box of gluten-free spaghetti, maybe a 40-watt light bulb; was it the last Little Debbie or just a little quiet with a whole lot of peace?

            Beats me.

            And what are the names of my children, pets, street address and spouse? Like the location of my car keys, I seem to forget them all the time.

            “Whoever that is standing by the fridge, I need a cube of Velveeta and that  last bottle of Ramona Singer Pinot Grigio.”

            I sleep on top of a sheet, do household chores in my swimsuit and sweat while I cook, pretend to iron and watch TV and STILL have a power bill that reads $673.

            It’s seems the one thing I thought I was doing right, I am now doing wrong.

            Yep, as Susan Rinkinus informs us in New York Magazine, salad is a total lie.

            Not only is salad now considered a luxury item like a BMW, Roberto Coin and a single vanilla bean, it appears that all those healthy, leafy things that occupy all the real estate in your crisper in order to make you heathier and supposedly leaner are not what they’re cracked up to be.

            Now, I know what you are thinking and I wasn’t born yesterday. I’m perfectly aware that these green, crunchy leaves are simply a watery delivery system with the word marketing written all over them, while being topped with all sorts of stuff that can eventually clog your arteries and kill you anyways. But I am still going to order my $9.95 Oriental Chicken Salad from Applebee’s. Why? Because it’s good.

            1,400 empty calories?

            Bring it ON.

            With a side of extra dressing.

Only, caloric camouflaging aside, salad isn’t as “green” as it used to be. It is now public enemy number one. Yes, these demure little limp, tasteless vessels wreak all sorts of havoc on our shared fruits and plains. They cause 1 billion dollars in waste while wasting tons of energy just to refrigerate the little pieces of water that put out all sorts off unneeded gases because we have to grow so much of it to meet the demand.

            And we haven’t even talked about all the gross stuff that grows on them because apparently, just being American makes us lazy, and we don’t like to cook anything because it takes time and all that other pesky stuff. Yes, it seems we would much rather just ingest raw lettuce with e coli laced all over it.

            Me, I don’t like to think of these things while I am waiting in the drive-thru at Chick-Fil-A for my Market Salad with 4 extra packages of Ranch that costs as much as half a pair of Sperrys. Nor do I want to reflect upon my own selfish part I’m now knowingly taking in creating the gigantic carbon footprint that my single lunch stomped while it was carted, chilled, contained and plastic wrapped just to be handed to me through a window with cold air escaping out it.

            That’s a real bummer.

            I guess I will just have to stay at home at my desk and eat a # 2 pencil or a maybe a pint of Ben and Jerry’s. I think there is still some Chubby Hubby left. If I can remember the person’s name that I’m related to that’s standing in the kitchen, I might even ask them to get it for me.

            There is no denying quite a few fossil fuels were spared to bring that baby home to my freezer, but at least they give back to environmentally friendly causes and are fighting the good fight against GMOs and are really nice to all of their cows, am I right?

            If only it wasn’t 400 calories a spoon.

            See, you really never can win.

            Maybe I’ll just see y’all around the salad bar. If I can ever find my keys.