“The opposite of faith is not fear, it’s control.” Read that on a neighbor’s Facebook page several weeks ago and have been percolating on it since. “Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,” is how I want to respond to that statement for some reason. Anyway, is the lack of forgiveness in our lives, self-forgiveness, or otherwise, a misguided effort on our parts to control the uncontrollable?
Where am I heading by leading with that quote? Well, let’s posit another reality: Emotions never lie, they just convince us of our reality. Let’s break down that theory. I think we can all come up with examples in our lives where we overreacted. Fair enough, how about when we underreacted? What about those times when your initial gut reactions proved 100%, sometimes years later? Perhaps you were gaslit. More than likely, however, you gaslit yourself. Yes, that’s a thing, now forgive yourself for it.
Remember that nothing is wasted, even, and especially that time when you felt like a waste. Learned and grew from that, didn’t you? Setting aside deliberately trying to do harm, you did the best you could with who you were at that congruence in time. Do you experience gasps of regret with that “congruence”? Sure, but you weren’t the person you are today back then. Forgive yourself for it.
Any wise historian will tell you that it’s not fair to judge an era in history by today’s standards. We do things today that those people would never dream of, whereas we would never allow atrocities that were commonplace then in this day and age. (I’m aware that last statement is a bit naïve, but follow me for the sake of argument.) It molded you. What’s “it”? You tell me. Fill in the blank. We can all come up with a myriad of answers. What’s life-changing for one is life-affirming for another, and what’s life-affirming for her, is life-damning for him.
Perhaps self-forgiveness is one of the, if not the, toughest hurdle(s) of our human life. So, let’s frame it in a way that makes self-forgiveness easier to grasp, more approachable, less superstitious, magic-bullet-like.
Okay, let’s back out of that discourse for a second and ask this: Can you be grateful and compare yourself to others at the same time? Who among you has tasted that weird cocktail of grief and relief? Keep in mind that you may not realize you’re a fearful person until you experience the lack of fear. Where else could these questions be directed? All of this sounds counter-something until you’re there. Well, consider yourself there. I ask these seemingly rando queries to invoke reflection.
Self-forgiveness? What’s that? May as well be a foreign language or a strange new world. Just as a realtor owes the consumer or client an OLD CAR, you owe yourself that and so much more. (OLD CAR is an acronym for Obedience, Loyalty, Disclosure, Confidentiality, Accountability, and Reasonable care and skill.) When we’re looking inside ourselves, we just have to use a different framework to arrive at the heart of the matter. We owe ourselves a healthy dose of PATIENCE too. You likely didn’t get all effed up overnight, so be gentle with yourself.
Many in my line of woo-woo work will tell you that they’re not into titles. While I agree with this notion, it’s not quite that simple. I can tell you from experience that gaining the title of Reiki Master is relatively easy, notwithstanding a Kundalini meltdown or two, (stories for another column at another congruence of time), but growing into said title is quite another thing.
I submit, in this context, that titles matter to those of us that are self-aware—those not espousing a title for title’s sake. Here’s why: it keeps us in check. For example, I’ve been struck with a lack of discipline lately. Can I call myself a writer if I just jot ideas and notions down without getting my butt in the chair and developing them? This platform doesn’t count in this example because I have a deadline. I NEED a deadline, let me tell you.
What I need to do is learn to live without my feet to the fire and still get $*** done. In the absence of absinthe, grant me the wisdom to know, and care about the difference between patience and procrastination. The question, “What do I look like when no one is looking?” comes to mind. The plan and the idea are NOT the problem, for I have notebooks full of ideas that deserve the opportunity to see the light of day, come what may as long as I forgive in the process.
Now that we know better, determine to “work honestly” and NOT beat yourself up. This is one of the fundamental Reiki precepts. The need for self-abuse fades as we learn to work honestly. Think about all the facets of that phrase. For why would you beat yourself up? I know you do, because I do. I think that’s a reasonable assumption for a reader of Wholly Holistics. You’ve allowed self-abuse why? Because you know better now? If that’s the only reason, then acknowledge your masochistic tendencies, then congratulate yourself for growth. Not everyone can grow, or worse, will choose to grow—will choose to forgive.
In the end, what are you controlling by not offering yourself forgiveness? You’re likely not easy to be around when you’re in that out-of-control mode. Have faith that things will work out once you take that step into the sweet relief of self-awareness.
