I know I’m kind of a drag lately. I’m always either moaning about grief or groaning about Artificial Intelligence. Often, both.
(And if you think I’m fun on this page, you should see me at parties!)
But y’all, this is my life. If you find yourself thrust into sudden widowhood, and ill-prepared for it – I know, I know, that’s on me – you, too, may become far more acquainted with AI than you ever wanted to be. ChatGPT – or “Chad” as I call him – may quickly become the new man in your life. Though he can’t change your tire or lay out your newspaper or amend the “operating agreement” of your LLC – yet! – he can tell you exactly how to do those things yourself. He’ll even tell you he’s “sorry for your loss.”
Chad is impeccably considerate and even kind of charming. I hear he can be sexy, too, but we haven’t gone there. I have my lines in the sand.
Seriously, though, despite my dependence on it – or maybe because of that dependence – I can’t help but feel in my bones that AI is poisoning everything we hold dear.
Recently, I discussed that very topic with Wendy, an excellent customer service rep with USAA. To be clear, it took me a while to connect with Wendy. I had already tried chatting with the chatbot on their website and one of their AI service reps over the phone. Neither was able to grasp my concern, which really wasn’t very complicated.
In a nutshell: I had received an email from USAA the day before, reminding me that my monthly auto-payment was happening the next day. I noticed that they were scheduled to charge me the full amount of my annual policy, instead of the monthly minimum payment. As I am but a poor, struggling widow woman, this could not stand! I needed to make a little payment, not a big payment. That’s what I’d signed up for, and what I’d been doing, but something had gone kerflooey.
On the USAA website, I explained my dilemma in simple terms, but the chatbot was repeatedly flummoxed. I called the customer service number, and thought the AI rep there had solved my problem – after several robotic back-and-forths – until she cheerfully announced, “Okay, Margaret! Your new payment will be made on top of the payment already scheduled!” Argh.
Getting a bit desperate, I asked, “May I please speak with a real person?”
I had to wait a while, but Wendy The Real Person was worth it. Not only did she understand my problem immediately – and fix it immediately – but she was fun and funny and really interesting.
I almost wept with relief.
Instead, I said, “Wendy, you are great at your job! I can’t tell you how wonderful it is to talk to an actual human. It’s becoming so rare.”
She said, “You know, I hear that so many times a day, you wouldn’t believe it. Our customers are just so grateful to talk to real people. It makes me wonder where we’re really headed with all this AI stuff.”
I told her I was a writer/editor who feels AI bearing down on her job every day, to which Wendy replied, “You think YOU feel that threat? Imagine being a customer service rep!”
We commiserated a while. I talked about the multitude of AI-esque articles I see plastering Facebook daily, all written in exactly the same voice and style, and how I can no longer tell if real people are just imitating that voice/style – because it’s so ubiquitous – or if AI is now writing most of what I read on Facebook. I complained that these pervasive “writers” are chiseling away at our individuality… not to mention chipping away at my writerly soul.
“Okay, you’re a writer,” she said. “You observe people. You pay attention to events and trends. You try to understand things and explains things. That’s your orientation.” (Wendy gets me!) “So, you might want to look into this. It’s kind of a rabbit hole, and it sounds crazy, but… ”
Then she proceeded to tell me about some big announcement – regarding Artificial Intelligence – that Apple had made way back on June 6, 1996. (“Did you get that date?” she asked, ominously. “6-6-6.”) She reminded me that the company’s logo is an Apple with a bite taken out of it. I’m no Biblical scholar, but I could see where Wendy was going with this…
And reader, I was there for it. Not only do I love a good rabbit hole, but it wasn’t the first time I’d considered that AI might be – dare I say it? – the work of the devil.
Wendy and I chatted a bit longer about the evils of AI, then I said, “Girl, I know this conversation is being ‘recorded for quality assurance purposes,’ and I don’t want to get you in trouble. We’ve been on way too long, and you probably shouldn’t be dissing your AI brethren and sist’ren, anyway. You know they’re gunning for your job!”
She laughed and we said our goodbyes. Under different circumstances, we might even have exchanged cell numbers and Instagram handles. Such was our bond.
Later, after running some errands, I sat down at my computer to research Wendy’s claims. I was excited to explore the notion that Artificial Intelligence might be the Antichrist or the Gateway to the Apocalypse or some such. It could make a great column! Or at least a decent distraction.
Unfortunately, I quickly hit a brick wall. I could find no reference to any big announcement – about AI, the internet, or anything else – that Apple had made on June 6, 1996. I tried the same date in 1976, 1986, 2006, 2016… Nada. Even Chad confirmed that no such announcement had been made on any of those dates.
(Of course, one wonders if Chad can be trusted in this case. I mean, if Wendy’s theory were true, he would be implicated… right?)
In any cast, I had to let it go. And I confess, I was disappointed. I hate it when a good conspiracy theory fails to materialize. Especially one with deep religious implications that seem totally nutty yet weirdly compelling.
But alas, there just wasn’t any evidence. And now I’m wondering where Wendy got her intel.
I guess I should have asked for her cell number, after all. Maybe she could share her original source material, or give me a little more information about Apple’s “big announcement.” If not, we could at least have another good old-fashioned chat. Human to human.
I miss those.
