‘Tis the season once again to hang boughs of holly on banisters, indoor and out; imitate the Frozen North with icicle lights on the eaves, and decorate a ceiling-high fir with multicolored twinkles topped by a star. Cover the yard with inflatables, and – What the hey? – put a Santa sleigh with reindeer on the roof. Rescue the kids’ presents from hidey-holes where they’ve been stashed since last January’s half-price sales, root out your grandma’s recipe and sugar-cookie cutters, make your kids’ costumes for a Christmas play, and wish every soul you see a “merry” and a “happy.”
According to the works of beloved Americana artist Norman Rockwell, the holidays are a time for family to be together, talking, laughing, and enjoying annual traditions. Finding that “perfect” fir tree in the woods, dragging it to the truck through the snow, and once home, sipping hot cups of something tasty to warm everyone’s innards as they decorate what becomes “the most beautiful tree ever.”
But what if you’ve lost a loved one and just can’t rock the seasonal jolly’s? It seems that myriad souls leave the earth around the winter holidays. Once a loved one passes away, the entire tenor of this time of celebration can change for those “left behind.”
Author, public speaker, and death and grieving expert David Kessler assures, “The goal is not to forget a loved one or get over the loss as soon as possible but to live a life that honors them, to embrace their memories with more love than pain. Though we must deal with the sadness, it’s easy to get stuck and suffer from loss and become unable to live life fully. Sometimes these feelings must be talked through with a confidant, counselor, or support group to find resolution.”
For those who are grieving, joyous participation in holiday revelry is rarely an option.
Kessler, who has written numerous books, including two with psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, pioneer in the study of death and dying, offers resources on www.grief.com, where you can find a virtual support group and helpful workshops, and on www.davidkessler.com.
A gem of a local resource is Friends of Caroline Hospice (www.fochospice.org). This organization is truly a treasure for the grieving and dying.
Above all, says Kessler, “Be gentle with yourself. Give yourself the time you need. Your tears are evidence of love. Pain from loss is inevitable.”
Remember, your grief is your own, however it manifests. Everyone’s grief journey looks different. Says spiritual teacher, author, and lecturer Marianne Williamson, “It takes as long as it takes” to work through grief. Find solace in whatever works for you, whether it’s self-care, the support of loved ones, reading quotes and/or scripture on grief, writing daily in a journal, seeking professional help, or a combination of these things.
But what do you say to bring a bit of comfort to someone who’s grieving? You want to help but you don’t want to say the wrong thing. Not knowing what to say can keep us from saying anything. So we don’t contact them and then feel guilty. Fortunately, Kessler has covered this base with a couple of lists.
The 10 Best Things to Say to Someone in Grief:
And just so you know….
The 10 Worst Things to Say to Someone in Grief
Though I’ve heard all of these said at one time or another, I hope that the inappropriateness of all the above is obvious without discussion.
For the past 25 years, my sister has given me a subscription to a small-format magazine called Guideposts, a spiritually focused publication founded in 1945 by Ruth Stafford Peale and Norman Vincent Peale, the clergyman who wrote The Power of Positive Thinking. It’s the only monthly that I read from cover to cover. The stories are short and always touching in some respect. Written by grief counselor Kate J. Meyer, an article in the latest issue dealt wisely with how to help someone who’s grieving over the holidays. For a few final thoughts, I’ll paraphrase her suggestions.
Don’t be afraid to mention the name of the deceased when speaking about a deceased love one. Saying his/her name shows you care.
Don’t judge a person’s reaction to their loss. If they choose to spend a holiday in a way that doesn’t meet their family’s expectations or that you might think unusual, support their wishes. They’re riding a rollercoaster of emotions and likely doing the best they can to care for themselves emotionally, mentally, and physically.
Be patient with someone who’s grieving if they turn down your offers of help initially. Be specific as to how you might help. For instance, you might offer to cook and take them dinner or go for a walk. If they seem interested, be specific about a date. Don’t just say, “Let me know if there’s anything I can do.” That response is just giving them another decision to make.
A question that shows you care when you’re visiting might be, “Would you like to talk about Dave today? Or would you like a distraction? Or shall we just be quiet?” If sitting quietlymakes you uncomfortable, take silent, deep breaths in a mini meditation. Being able to accommodate their need will make them feel cared for and will bring joy to your heart.
The words of Kalil Ghibran in his classic tome, The Prophet, ring true for both the griever and the comforter: “The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.”
May you find comfort and joy in the year’s final days.
