I hear you callin’, Uncle Sam
And I’m here to show I give a damn
So hold your letters and stop your faxes
I’m gonna sit down and do my taxes
I can’t take another federal screwing
With the 1099ing and W-2ing
So, this year, I won’t be lax
I’m castin’ my lot with TurboTax
They tell me, for once, my pockets won’t burn
They’re guaranteein’ my largest return
They offer advice and lots of clarity
On how to deduct what I give to charity
And after consulting with their bosses,
They say I can deduct my gambling losses
I’m sure I’ll offer them a plaudit
When they have my back as you come to audit
Hold on, I’m told there’s no deduction
For face work, Botox, and liposuction?
And what’s wrong with declaring seventeen grand
For my small business—a lemonade stand?
I’ve a dependent, it is true
My trusty companion: Good Dog Blue
So am I in trouble if I decline
To pay twenty-two percent of line nine?
And what’ll you do with all my dollars
Squeeze Vlad Putin until he hollers?
Pay fat cats who facilitate graft?
Eat till you look like William Howard Taft?
I may take my money and, what’s more
Put it in a bank that’s far offshore
Or buy a high-yield CD
And live the good life pretty much for free
But wait, . . . I need lots of cops
To patrol my street and bust criminals’ chops
I need good roads and quality schools
So my grandchildren don’t end up tools
A strong armed force will meet the occasion
Of an unexpected, foreign invasion
And I’ll gladly give up a bit of wealth
For government efforts to improve my health
So I’ll pay this year, but why’s it hard
To charge what I owe to my credit card?
And why can’t you wait—given the wealth of the nation
For me to do debt consolidation?
Oh, what the hell (I’m forcing a smile)
Here it goes: I’m clickin’ “FILE”
Now off to the fridge to fetch a cheap beer
And not think of you for another year
