Karan Killoran
By Karan Killoran
There are many important ideas to explore in the realm of emotional and mental health. Trauma, EMDR, DBT, eating disorders and body image distortions are among them. But before exploring any of these, there is a more fundamental question: What actually keeps us from getting therapy? Why do we resist getting help?
At 74 years old, and a psychotherapist for 42 years, I recently decided to go back to therapy. I have been a clinical social worker providing individual, couples and family therapy for 42 years and frankly, it feels like I have been in therapy for 44 years. (I was in therapy for 2 years prior to becoming a therapist myself). It was my training and it is my personal opinion that a therapist must continually reflect and observe their own process as well as that of their clients.
This personal reflection should continue throughout the therapist’s and the client’s life. It is, after all, what we teach with all the, “how did you feel about that” questions. You can give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. If you teach a man to fish, he will eat all his life. Practice what you preach fits here too. If, in fact, I lived this truth, why go back to therapy now? This is the question I asked myself and the one all my friends asked me as well. “You don’t need therapy, why are you going to therapy?”
Why would I gift myself with an hour a week of being listened to by someone trained to listen deeply, offer objective feedback and listen without expectation of reciprocity? This is a rhetorical question. “Why wouldn’t I?” is the better question. If we can agree that it is always valuable to have support as we navigate each new stage of life and its challenges, why wouldn’t I seek that support?
Society likes to say that there is no longer a stigma associated with going to therapy. But, as long as there has to be something wrong, we are still judging people who are courageous enough to ask for help. Therapy is still accepted but only for the broken among us. Who among us is not broken open from time to time? Are we living fully if life doesn’t break us occasionally?
Who doesn’t require insight and support and who will not benefit from help when navigating a new terrain on life’s journey? Facing the challenges of adolescence, learning to be an adult, having a baby, career change, divorce, illness, the death of a loved one, aging, facing our own death just to name a few.
Yes, good friends, family members and partners can fill some of this need and should, but is it right to task them with the job of going deep into old wounds with you? Is it fair to expect them to know how to guide you there, to know when you are ready to go there and help you back out when you are done? Are they able to hold space for your inner child’s pain and light your way back to your adult self who is now encouraged to see that child with the love and compassion that they deserve and deserved?
We would never expect a friend to pull a tooth, file a document with the court, or replace our engine but we dismiss therapy as “someone to talk to” or the opposite, “YOU need to talk to someone.” Therapy should be for personal growth as well as for times of confusion, loss and emotional pain. If this is earth school, shouldn’t self-reflection and self-knowledge be a necessary course in the curriculum?
Is it scary to open up to another person, a stranger? No, it’s terrifying. Finding the right person, someone you can trust and who offers unconditional acceptance, someone who really gets you, can be a challenging process and may take time. Consider interviewing a number of people before you find the right person. A recommendation from someone you trust that has had a good experience can help a lot.
Asking the potential therapist about their experience and the types of therapy they offer is a good place to start an interview. Offer your goals and what you would like to accomplish in this first conversation as well so that the counselor can assess whether it is a good fit for them as well. After the first conversation, ask yourself, how do I feel about this person. Your gut reaction is something you will want to grow, and this is a good place to start growing this intuitive skill.
Feeling safe in the relationship is necessary if you are going to expose thoughts and feelings that you may not have yet admitted to yourself. This level of honesty is the only way therapy can help. Therapy needs to always be a judgment free zone. You are looking for direction and feedback presented with understanding and care. “Everyone is doing the best they can with what they have learned so far.” This concept from DBT, Dialectic Behavioral Therapy, underlies any supportive therapy and how we can learn to compassionately view our past selves as well. Learning to forgive ourselves for what we didn’t know and experiencing that directly in a therapeutic relationship is fundamental to the process.
And, before you ask, yes even Hitler can be seen in this light. How many lessons or lifetimes does it take to wake up to the lesson that we are all here to learn to love? How many to truly understand that we are all connected, we are all one and we all come from Source? We will never know the answer to that question but we can know and experience that living a loving life is the path to peace and counseling can be an important part of clearing this path. My path with counseling has ended for now. I will return for guidance in the future if it calls me. My experience, as I expected, was helpful, enriching and even fun.
It is my belief that facing our current and past pain increases self-awareness, can soothe pain and clear emotional blocks. This pain causes energetic blocks that keep us locked in fear. When we face this pain and heal it, the energy flows again. Our alignment and connection to Source, God, Divine Spirit or however you understand this life force, returns and grows stronger. We are nature and Divine energy is our birth right. This energy is always available to us especially when we heal and embrace self-love and love for all.
Karan Killoran earned her MSW in clinical social work from Boston University. Her career included five years as a family therapist at McLean Hospital in Belmont, MA and working with adolescents and their families at Yale University Hospital. Most recently, she retired from her work as a Military Family Life Counselor.
