An Abundance of Riches (or whatever their names are)
Dear Aunt Bossy,
I could use some romance advice. I’m a 28-year-old woman, recently single and back in the dating scene. I have a history of jumping from one relationship to the next, so I’m trying to take it slow and up my standards. I’ve found myself dating two very eligible men. Of course I like one more than the other, but I seem to be more compatible with the other, so I have a tricky situation.
Guy #1 (whom I like more) is also recently single and, like me, hesitant to be open with his feelings, so there is a nerve wracking level of “mixed messages,” amplified by modern communication like texting. But when we’re face to face, we have amazing chemistry and conversation. Definitely an intellectual fit. We can talk for hours without any additional entertainment. There are some drawbacks with him – he hasn’t properly asked me “out.” Though, to be fair, I did play the “friend card” on him in the beginning, in an effort to protect my feelings. And unfortunately, he doesn’t drink alcohol, so the result is us spending the evening sitting in my apartment drinking tea and talking, while the rest of single New York is out there sipping dirty martinis, going to shows, having dinner, etc etc. Our interaction, therefore, is very one dimensional. But kind of amazing for the same reason. We have yet to really discuss our feelings because we’re both afraid and self-protective. I’m scared we’re too similar!
Guy #2 couldn’t be more opposite. Really, he’s the antithesis of Guy #1, and I suppose he’s proven to be more of a gentleman. Fun loving, easy going, straightforward. He’s great looking, and it’s been easy-peesy making plans and hanging out with him. No games, cute back-and-forths, good chemistry. BUT I’m still unsure if he’s an intellectual fit, as our conversations, though thoughtful, don’t go very deep. That said, he’s probably more of a cultural fit than #1, as he does drink and we both love music and exploring and hiking, etc etc. But with #1, its like none of that matters because we have SUCH a connection. I suppose it’s still too soon to know, but #2 is coming on strong and I’ve found myself feeling torn between two men! And perhaps, on a larger scale, torn between my twenties and thirties.
Should I just wait it out and continue to see them both until it’s a more obvious choice, or should I retreat from both since neither is quite a dead ringer? I’m scared of slipping into a relationship with #2 and terrified of being rejected by #1.
Maybe this is just Dating 101 and I’m an amateur, but I would love some advice.
Ms. Split Decision
Dear Ms. SD,
I wouldn’t be surprised if this “problem” were solved before my answer is printed, but, here goes:
This is a difficult one. I say, stick it out with both of them until the answer becomes clear.
In the meantime, can you get #1 out of the house and into a restaurant, bar or club? If not, you have your answer. Not drinking is one thing; not going out is another.
Do a test run with # 2 by taking him to an “intellectual” event and seeing how he reacts and what he has to say. Then, take #1 to some off the wall event and see how he reacts. That might offer a solution.
I will never forget talking to a gal when I was young and beautiful and completely unaware of my marketability. She, who wasn’t as lucky as I was in the looks department, always had a waiting list of guys. She told me she chose her dates for what they could teach her. One of the guys that I was desperately trying to get to love me was her dance partner, another taught her waterskiing. I dated the same two guys and all I learned was to wait for the phone calls. It was a real eye-opener for me, but I didn’t have the confidence to proceed with her philosophy.
Fortunately, you sound like you are self-aware and confident. My advice is to relax, add a few more guys to the mix and let nature sort it out. The only other thing I can tell you for certain is that hot and funny is an unbeatable combination. If the guy can also dance, marry him immediately. You can always take post grad courses to discuss the meaning of the universe.
Common Sense: Things become clearer with time.
Good Manners: Committing too soon will hurt someone’s feelings needlessly.
Discipline: It is really difficult to pace yourself in romance.
Dear Aunt Bossy,
I am very successful in my life. I own my own firm and do very well financially. Many people admire me. However, I cannot get over the fact that I am a has-been in the career I really wanted, a Broadway musical theater actress. It torments me. In public, I am always happy and smiling, but, when alone, I brood and eat and make late night phone calls. I am highly overweight.
Most of my time is spent pushing and planning to grow the business, which I like, but which is not my dream. What should I do? I am afraid my health is being affected by this sense of loss. My faith helps, but not enough.
Used to be a Star.
Firstly, get rid of the extra weight. It has got to depress you.
Secondly, go for your dream. Hit those auditions. Find an agent. Give yourself a timeline. If your business is doing well, you can delegate some of your responsibilities and even cut down on your own expenses if necessary.
Thirdly, use other opportunities to practice your loved profession. Local and regional theaters are alive and well. You might enjoy the performing, and the camaraderie in that area. Besides, it is exposure.
There is no reason that you can’t fulfill your dream to be a performer and run your business at the same time. If your auditions and agent pay off and you find yourself under the bright lights of Broadway, you can always hire someone to run your business. Remember, important change doesn’t have to be big. Sometimes the most meaningful changes are small and steady.
Common Sense: Small change leads to big differences.
Good Manners: Treating yourself well is good manners to yourself
Discipline: This is the key to growth.
Aunt Bossy is Susan Murphy, an internationally known Communication Skills Coach who adores spending every winter and spring in Beaufort. Ask for advice @ Bossymurph@mac.com.