Dear Aunt Bossy,
I am a thirty-year-old New York woman, who is far from a prude. One of my best friends is beautiful, has a teaching job she loves, and is a wonderful person. She is also thirty, and wants so much to find a husband so she can have a partner and family.
The problem is that she attracts many nice, smart, reliable guys, but she sleeps with them on the first date and never hears from them again.
I’ve tried talking to her, first telling her it was a stupid thing to do, and then explaining that guys are hardwired to hunt. Her answer is that she likes sex and doesn’t want a guy who can’t accept that she is an independent woman who is a free spirit. She says she wants a man who will love the “real her.”
What can I tell her to get through?
Dear Ms. Reasonable,
Probably nothing. However, you might try asking her if she goes out without makeup, without brushing her hair or her teeth, or without grooming in any way so the fellows can see “the real her.” This really has nothing to do with accepting her. It has to do with her insecurity and the false belief that because they want to sleep with her they must like her.
You are right. Guys love the chase. It isn’t playing games to get to know them before any kind of commitment. It is common sense. Sex makes people stupid and can cloud a girl’s judgment.
It is smart to take your time. Sometimes if you wait until the initial desire to hop in the sack cools down a bit, you will be very thankful you didn’t act on the feeling.
We must always ask ourselves the question, “Is this getting me closer to my goal?” Her behavior isn’t.
Rat a Tat Tat
Dear Aunt Bossy,
I am an eighteen-year-old man who looks at his body as a canvas for his art. I have thirteen tattoos, ten piercings, and multi-colored hair. Unfortunately, our society does not appreciate art and I don’t make enough money to move out of my parent’s house.
I know my parents love me, but they disapprove of my self-expression. They have told me that they can’t be expected to like what I have done to myself, but they will tolerate it because they love me.
This is bull. I think if they really loved me they would celebrate my artistic vision.
They will listen to you.
Oh, honey, you should celebrate their tolerance. Many parents would have put you out on the doorstep.
Some thoughts: Perhaps the reason you don’t make more money is you have defined yourself too narrowly with your look. Nothing wrong with that, but just realize you are forcing people to think of you in a very specific way. Your look does not scream “reliable and sensible employee.” That is fine, but you must accept the liabilities.
There are many people who would love to make a living making art, acting, writing, etc. However, they realize how few people can support themselves doing those admirable things, and turn to other ways to make a living, doing their art on the side until they can find a way to make it profitable. Life is not fair. Society does appreciate art, just not everyone’s.
You are very lucky to have parents who accept (tolerate) your style. Tolerance is the first step to liking something. If one doesn’t tolerate something, one will NEVER move beyond that to like or love or “celebrate.”
Aunt Bossy once coached a very hip firm of graphic arts people. Her favorite client in the group was a very good looking guy who had shirt sleeve tats which peeked out from the cuffs of his beautifully starched white shirt. He had three very high quality silver rings in one ear, and a beautiful haircut. His silent message was that he was very creative, appreciative of high quality beauty, and knew the power of a starched white shirt and tie. I’d hire him for anything. Heck, I’d hire him just to sit around my house so I could look at him.
You may want to think about refining your look.
Good luck and a big hug to the parental unit.
Aunt Bossy is Susan Murphy, an internationally known Communication Skills Coach who adores spending every winter and spring in Beaufort. Ask for advice @ Bossymurph@mac.com.